But I did all I could

To hold back the waters.

I’d safely say

I feel as guilty as I should.

For not trying to stop her

That will stay with me.

A color in the air I breathe.

In the corner of my eye

She remains something I’ll always see.

And I hope that you see.

Why I need to be better than I could ever be.

I could never forget her, now that she’ll never be.

I’ll let this echo pull me down.

I will not forfeit smiling.

Just remember there’s a price to everything.

Our actions hold me.

And I’m shaped by all that I’ve ever seen.

Your action, my reaction.

I wasn’t there when you needed me.

But I stood in your defeat and screamed.

You listened, to my position.

And that gave you enough to give up everything.

So I didn’t set this fire.

But I didn’t do all I should.

So I live my life.

In the way I think you would.

Now I wouldn’t say my life has been the worst. I know people with much worse situations then me, but here is mine. My parents got divorced when I was four. Which since I was so young I was hurt but I also didn’t understand. As I grew up and got older and went into middle school it got worse. Yes my parents were divorced but they still fought everyday like when they were married. It was so annoying at the least. Now going into middle school wasn’t easy for me. I was and still kind of am one of those girls who is just consumed with what they look like. For me I was very and am still very self conscious. Its just part of who I am now. I can honestly say I was not “fat” in middle school I was actually tiny I guess you could say. But when you go into a school none the less your going to see the girls that are prettier then you or skinnier then you and of course they have the name brand clothes. (I had them to but its just how you see those girls) I just wanted to be like them. I just wanted to feel pretty to.

Going through middle school with your divorced parents fighting all the time still, feeling like its your fault (my mom had me when she was 19) and feeling like my parents will never just get along. With all that on your shoulders and much more it gets exhausting and you start feeling the weight of the world on your shoulders. So going through middle school I started to try to look like those girls I just described. I began watching everything I put in my mouth and yes I still do this. Even though it is so annoying and tedious I still do it and to be completely honest you start feeling the weight of the world on your shoulders. So going through middle school I started to try to look like those girls I just described. I began watching everything I put in my mouth and yes I still do this. Even though it is so annoying and tedious I still do it and to be completely honest I am still not happy with what I look like. I have done this on and off since 6^th grade…

I am not a senior in high school getting ready for my last day of school at the end of May and getting ready to graduate in June. I still struggle with that. Going into high school my life was just messed up. People thought that since I went to church every single Sunday and Wednesday that I was perfect in every way and fine with everything. WRONG. Freshman year was a year where I was very strong in my faith, needless to say my life was okay. Still not good but it was okay. I was still consumed with my looks. But I was not to sad. Yes all the same problems was going on with my parents. By this time my dad had already gotten remarried when I was in Elementary school. I didn’t like my step mom at all and I was not a fan of my dad, now with my mom I was good with her but she still frustrated me.

Sophomore year was the same kind of iffy still. Through freshman and sophomore year I felt like I needed to act like the “Perfect Christian Girl” that people saw me to be. But I didn’t like that. I didn’t like it at all. I was not really comfortable with myself at all. I wanted to do what I wanted. But with people watching me every single second and watching my moves it was hard. By this time I was slowly getting exhausted of putting on a mask and acting like I was happy. But I still did it anyways.

Now junior year… Oh boy okay… So this year came around and I was really sick of being watched and criticized if I made a mistake. I really started doing my own thing. I wanted to have fun because I am the girl crazy girl who loves to have crazy fun! I had Christian friends at school. One being my “best friend” but I didn’t like being out in the category she was in. I mean I wasn’t all the way because I hung out with everyone. I’m not the type of girl to just hang out with one type of group, I get bored haha. So I started becoming me again and trying and searching for how to become my self and have fun too. I started hanging out with the people I do still to this day but I can honestly say form a Christians perspective they are not the best kids. I got my self into a sticky situation of doing drugs and what not.

Ill be honest with you guys. I liked the feeling. I liked the feeling of being able to escape into another world for a little bit. It made me feel better and happy for that short time. I didn’t do it everyday. But I still did it. My junior year is when my life literally started falling apart. It was like a cliff, little pieces (but pieces that were a big part of life) started falling off and crashing. That is exactly what was happening in my life.

My family not only was driving me insane but the people at my church. Do you know how it feels to walk into a place that you used to love going to but now walking in feel like every single person is just judging you from head to toe. Finding every single thing that is wrong with you and how they can tare you apart. Well that’s how I felt and I still do. Those people are supposed to be people of god and accept everyone. Well that is a bunch of crap let me tell you. Those people are one of the reasons I resorted to cutting and burning my self. Half way through junior year I just could not handle my life anymore. My divorced parents still bickering every single day and add in a step mom your not a fan of being rude as well. My father treating me like I’m the step daughter and the step sister is his daughter. That made me so sad and hurt. My father not only made me feel like that but he made me feel so unimportant to him and this world, like I was a mistake and that I shouldn’t be here. Yes I am the child in my family that does not do in well but its also not my fault that I have test anxiety. I try so hard but they all made me feel like I was a failure and would never succeed.

My mom on the other hand.. We fought every single day. No joke. Everyday. I always going blamed for things in my house. I always got in trouble. My brother never gets the same punishments as I do. I always get it so much worse. My mom treats my brother and I so much differently and she still does not think that’s true. I always got punishments that were so much worse than my brother. When my mom and I fought she always said such hurtful things and then would apologize after and next fight, say it again. This is only my junior year.

My junior year is when I started cutting my self. It was a way for me to get all my hurt and pain out. I remember my first time doing it. I was sitting in my room after a horrible fight with my mom. She had just called me the spawn of Satan and said that she wished she could have raised a daughter better then me and that I was a selfish brat that was not helping this family basically. I just sat there balling my eyes out no joke. I was so sad and upset and also so angry with the world already I was just mad and I did want to be here anymore. I knew of this thing called cutting I had heard that it took the pain away. I had so many broken promises in my heart and my heart was already broken that I need to try this because I was about ready to give up. I did it and when I did it I felt this feeling of relief while I was doing it. When I cut my self I felt like I was getting rid of the weight of the world (which I wasn’t it will never really be gone, you just have to work through it). So I kept cutting my self. I never wore long sleeve shirts all the time because I knew people would get suspicious. I worse lots of bracelets. I made sure that people couldn’t see I cut my wrists and by my ankles and my arms. That’s what I did. I was doing this while still being consumed with my insecurities of being fat as well. That’s a lot of stuff to be thinking about and hiding the all of this other stuff from my family and friends. Going through this was one of the biggest parts of my life. Because I did it for so long. I felt like cutting my self would take all the pain away. Which is not true because as soon as I was done I felt it all come back to me. When I did it I felt pain but not a lot because I had so much adrenaline when I did it. My life was so stressful I honestly felt like I couldn’t handle it anymore.

I was so exhausted of wearing a mask to school and acting like every single thing was okay when it was never okay. Yes I had good days where I was happy but a lot of them I was not and I just acted like I was. My senior year which is still going on. But this year has been extremely tough. One of my hardest so far. This year has been full of ups and downs. From the summer before senior year to my senior year a lot happened. My so called church friends totally turned. I honestly do not think that they have ever thought that they did anything wrong. They are just so judgmental. When you are going through what I went through your not going to want o be judged more or judged at all. No body wants to be judged. I didn’t just cut, I also burned my self. I would use my lighter too make objects out then I would press it with my fingers… Yes that hurt al lot but I just couldn’t handle this crap anymore. With in this time I thought about committing suicide. I did also during my junior year as well. I never took the steps to doing it though. I always got to scared that if I did it wouldn’t work.

With in my senior year my mom found everything I have ever done out. She sent me to counseling where then we could fix out relationship and also fix things for me… she sent me to a Christian councilor. That didn’t help me one bit. Talking to a Christian councilor totally contradicted everything for me. I felt like i was talking to my mom. That was not something I wanted to do. With in going to counseling I kept cutting and doing this because it made me so much more frustrated and hurt because it’s not like they get it. Of course they are going to think everything is horrible and that you should have never done any of it. My mom, the councilor and non of my friends or anyone will ever understand why I did these things in the first place unless they have ever been in my shoes and have felt how I have felt and all the hurt and pain I have dealt with. Needless to say my mom and I still argue all the time and I always think about cutting and burning again but I haven’t! There is always hope in the future. You can always count on the people that know what you are going through. Literally know and understand. They will never judge you for who you are or what you have done.

Yes my life is still hard and I don’t want to be on this stupid plant but I am here to stay. Its nice to surround with people that care. My friend Ryan once told me “Those who don’t care don’t matter, but those who do care do matter.” What he meant by that is that the people that care will never judge you and will always be there for you through the thick and thin. I hope this story helped someone. I know its long haha. I am so sorry for the length. I would love to help another person out because I know exactly what you are going through.

Stay strong friends! Love you guys!

We all have something in mind that we want people to see us as. Rather if its the happy-go-lucky person with always a smile on, the beautiful smart girl who has everything together, or the jock that has all the ladies laying on them. But when it all boils down to reality, we all know that these things are only lables. The lables are our identity, but behind closed doors we all know what we truly face. Nobody ever really talks about who they truly are behind those closed doors in fear that nobody would ever understand. When in reality, all of us have been there at some point in our lives or will in the future.

Everyday we are surrounded by expectations. We have a checklist of acts we need to have crossed off by the end of the night to reassure ourselves that we have yet again fooled the world of being someone we are not. That checklist is nothing but an open wound being ripped open day after day. A wound that can only be healed by honesty. But the amount honesty are you willing to let out is how much your wound is able to heal. Its much easier to be the same person day after day, than to face a trial in life and being willing to admit you are falling apart. I beleive that sometimes the true issue is not being honest with ourselves. We can tell ourselves we are ok, than we can tell the people around us we are ok too.

As soon as we start to be honest with ourselves, making ourselves realize how much we truly are falling apart, than the truth begins to slip out to others. When that slips, it feels as though everything slips. However we should not be so afraid of slipping up, we should not be afraid of telling our friends that we are falling apart and that we need help. Should you tell everyone you know and make it this huge public issue, of course not but you should never be afraid of telling a close friend or two that your not ok.

But now this idea of looking perfect has become a huge issue. Everyone puts off this idea of being ok, so then everyone is afraid of showing they are hurting. They look at someone and think “well they have it all together so I cant let it out that I don’t”. When in fact that person most likely does not have it all together. Everyone is human and everyone has there times of pain. We need to open up and let people in, tell them your hurting. Once you do that everything will begin to change for the better.

It is time to forget about this checklist, take a few deep breaths and throw the fear aside. Lets be real here…no ones life is perfect.

I just created a twitter account, the username is “listeningislove”. So feel free to follow =]

ripped up, cut up, cut down

you look me in the eyes as if you care, nothing will ever cover this shame

knives are easier, saftey pins mask it all

a line of regret, sorrow, im bewept because of you

stop, halt, listen…there is a call

lift your head up to the stars and make a wish

cornered no longer, a sigh of remorse

let her kiss your scars

they tell a beautiful story

I felt like I was drifting away from God. He is always the one that holds me up. And to lose something that gave me so much hope, started to flip my life around for the worse. But I still prayed for help, some sort of answer and support.

Thats when she came into my life. A night at church God told me to talk to her about my issue. I didn’t really understand, but I figured it would be worth it if she really could help me. This all ended up sitting at borders for 4 hours just talking about cutting and how it made me feel, and how broken I really am. And for once in my life, I could hear someone say “I know how you feel”. And for some reason, that was one of the most comforting things to hear. I knew at that point that I did not have to fight this alone.

I am now 25 days clean from cutting.

That may not seem like a long time, but let me tell you, it’s one of the biggest battles I have ever had to face. 25 days of victory that I will never lose. And I’m still counting.

I had a dream the other night that I was with some people that brought me down and got me in a lot of trouble. It was later that I found out they were demons and sent by Satan himself. Put in my life to tear me down. I decided to leave them. They became angry and were looking all over for me, but they looked right into my eyes and did not see me. I looked down at my wrist and saw every cut I had ever made. The blood was everywhere and I cried because I thought I would never have to see that again in my life. I looked up and saw Jesus standing in front of me. He grabbed my arm and said “you are healed”. And as he let go, no marks remained.

I woke up with the most hopeful heart. And haven’t lost it yet. I don’t plan on ever losing it.

*Annie describes her friend *Sharon as “probably the nicest, sweetest girl you could have ever met”. Annie and Sharon had known each other for years , and although Sharon moved a couple of towns over, they kept in touch  and stayed close friends. Sharon hated where she moved to, had some problems, but she seemed to be have any emotional issues under control with medication. She never seemed sad, and everything thing seemed fine. This is why Annie was stunned to hear that Sharon had jumped in front of a train after a fight with her girlfriend. Apparently, Sharon was so upset after the fight that she called  3 different people and said “I’m going to do it, I’m going to kill myself.” One of them called Sharon’s brother, and he ran down to the train station to try and stop her, but it was too late. By that time she had already made a choice in one devastating moment that could never be taken back. And in that one moment, many lives have been changed forever. Of course her family, they will never fully recover from that loss, and her brother left to always wonder if he could have only gotten there a little sooner. Her best friend, who was on the phone with her at the time, and has the rest of her life to remember the sound of the train horn suddenly cut to silence. Suicide affects families, circles of friends, entire schools and communities. It affected Annie deeply. After hearing the news at drama rehearsal, she was in shock until she went home to her room, listed to some music and let the awful truth sink in.  “I  fell into a depression. my grades went down the drain, just everything stopped for me. I felt horrible, I looked horrible, I was just a big mess.” Four months after Sharon’s death, Annie heard about the organization, To Write Love On Her Arms. She finally got a sense that there is some hope , that suicide can be prevented. Annie had this to say about healing from the pain of Sharon’s suicide:  ” I started to get involved with TWLOHA, and I love them with everything I have. I also started to make sure I helped people. I refuse to lose another friend to something that can be prevented. I had a big reality check then, you never know when something is going to happen.. You never know if someone you love may be gone the next day,  So I try to make the best of everything, and help everyone I can. I want to spend the rest of my life helping people. I still don’t know how, but I know I want to.

“I came to the conclusion that suicide is probably the most selfish thing you can ever do, all the family and friends you leave behind, how they have to pay for your mistake, your actions can’t be taken back.”