But I did all I could

To hold back the waters.

I’d safely say

I feel as guilty as I should.

For not trying to stop her

That will stay with me.

A color in the air I breathe.

In the corner of my eye

She remains something I’ll always see.

And I hope that you see.

Why I need to be better than I could ever be.

I could never forget her, now that she’ll never be.

I’ll let this echo pull me down.

I will not forfeit smiling.

Just remember there’s a price to everything.

Our actions hold me.

And I’m shaped by all that I’ve ever seen.

Your action, my reaction.

I wasn’t there when you needed me.

But I stood in your defeat and screamed.

You listened, to my position.

And that gave you enough to give up everything.

So I didn’t set this fire.

But I didn’t do all I should.

So I live my life.

In the way I think you would.

Now I wouldn’t say my life has been the worst. I know people with much worse situations then me, but here is mine. My parents got divorced when I was four. Which since I was so young I was hurt but I also didn’t understand. As I grew up and got older and went into middle school it got worse. Yes my parents were divorced but they still fought everyday like when they were married. It was so annoying at the least. Now going into middle school wasn’t easy for me. I was and still kind of am one of those girls who is just consumed with what they look like. For me I was very and am still very self conscious. Its just part of who I am now. I can honestly say I was not “fat” in middle school I was actually tiny I guess you could say. But when you go into a school none the less your going to see the girls that are prettier then you or skinnier then you and of course they have the name brand clothes. (I had them to but its just how you see those girls) I just wanted to be like them. I just wanted to feel pretty to.

Going through middle school with your divorced parents fighting all the time still, feeling like its your fault (my mom had me when she was 19) and feeling like my parents will never just get along. With all that on your shoulders and much more it gets exhausting and you start feeling the weight of the world on your shoulders. So going through middle school I started to try to look like those girls I just described. I began watching everything I put in my mouth and yes I still do this. Even though it is so annoying and tedious I still do it and to be completely honest you start feeling the weight of the world on your shoulders. So going through middle school I started to try to look like those girls I just described. I began watching everything I put in my mouth and yes I still do this. Even though it is so annoying and tedious I still do it and to be completely honest I am still not happy with what I look like. I have done this on and off since 6^th grade…

I am not a senior in high school getting ready for my last day of school at the end of May and getting ready to graduate in June. I still struggle with that. Going into high school my life was just messed up. People thought that since I went to church every single Sunday and Wednesday that I was perfect in every way and fine with everything. WRONG. Freshman year was a year where I was very strong in my faith, needless to say my life was okay. Still not good but it was okay. I was still consumed with my looks. But I was not to sad. Yes all the same problems was going on with my parents. By this time my dad had already gotten remarried when I was in Elementary school. I didn’t like my step mom at all and I was not a fan of my dad, now with my mom I was good with her but she still frustrated me.

Sophomore year was the same kind of iffy still. Through freshman and sophomore year I felt like I needed to act like the “Perfect Christian Girl” that people saw me to be. But I didn’t like that. I didn’t like it at all. I was not really comfortable with myself at all. I wanted to do what I wanted. But with people watching me every single second and watching my moves it was hard. By this time I was slowly getting exhausted of putting on a mask and acting like I was happy. But I still did it anyways.

Now junior year… Oh boy okay… So this year came around and I was really sick of being watched and criticized if I made a mistake. I really started doing my own thing. I wanted to have fun because I am the girl crazy girl who loves to have crazy fun! I had Christian friends at school. One being my “best friend” but I didn’t like being out in the category she was in. I mean I wasn’t all the way because I hung out with everyone. I’m not the type of girl to just hang out with one type of group, I get bored haha. So I started becoming me again and trying and searching for how to become my self and have fun too. I started hanging out with the people I do still to this day but I can honestly say form a Christians perspective they are not the best kids. I got my self into a sticky situation of doing drugs and what not.

Ill be honest with you guys. I liked the feeling. I liked the feeling of being able to escape into another world for a little bit. It made me feel better and happy for that short time. I didn’t do it everyday. But I still did it. My junior year is when my life literally started falling apart. It was like a cliff, little pieces (but pieces that were a big part of life) started falling off and crashing. That is exactly what was happening in my life.

My family not only was driving me insane but the people at my church. Do you know how it feels to walk into a place that you used to love going to but now walking in feel like every single person is just judging you from head to toe. Finding every single thing that is wrong with you and how they can tare you apart. Well that’s how I felt and I still do. Those people are supposed to be people of god and accept everyone. Well that is a bunch of crap let me tell you. Those people are one of the reasons I resorted to cutting and burning my self. Half way through junior year I just could not handle my life anymore. My divorced parents still bickering every single day and add in a step mom your not a fan of being rude as well. My father treating me like I’m the step daughter and the step sister is his daughter. That made me so sad and hurt. My father not only made me feel like that but he made me feel so unimportant to him and this world, like I was a mistake and that I shouldn’t be here. Yes I am the child in my family that does not do in well but its also not my fault that I have test anxiety. I try so hard but they all made me feel like I was a failure and would never succeed.

My mom on the other hand.. We fought every single day. No joke. Everyday. I always going blamed for things in my house. I always got in trouble. My brother never gets the same punishments as I do. I always get it so much worse. My mom treats my brother and I so much differently and she still does not think that’s true. I always got punishments that were so much worse than my brother. When my mom and I fought she always said such hurtful things and then would apologize after and next fight, say it again. This is only my junior year.

My junior year is when I started cutting my self. It was a way for me to get all my hurt and pain out. I remember my first time doing it. I was sitting in my room after a horrible fight with my mom. She had just called me the spawn of Satan and said that she wished she could have raised a daughter better then me and that I was a selfish brat that was not helping this family basically. I just sat there balling my eyes out no joke. I was so sad and upset and also so angry with the world already I was just mad and I did want to be here anymore. I knew of this thing called cutting I had heard that it took the pain away. I had so many broken promises in my heart and my heart was already broken that I need to try this because I was about ready to give up. I did it and when I did it I felt this feeling of relief while I was doing it. When I cut my self I felt like I was getting rid of the weight of the world (which I wasn’t it will never really be gone, you just have to work through it). So I kept cutting my self. I never wore long sleeve shirts all the time because I knew people would get suspicious. I worse lots of bracelets. I made sure that people couldn’t see I cut my wrists and by my ankles and my arms. That’s what I did. I was doing this while still being consumed with my insecurities of being fat as well. That’s a lot of stuff to be thinking about and hiding the all of this other stuff from my family and friends. Going through this was one of the biggest parts of my life. Because I did it for so long. I felt like cutting my self would take all the pain away. Which is not true because as soon as I was done I felt it all come back to me. When I did it I felt pain but not a lot because I had so much adrenaline when I did it. My life was so stressful I honestly felt like I couldn’t handle it anymore.

I was so exhausted of wearing a mask to school and acting like every single thing was okay when it was never okay. Yes I had good days where I was happy but a lot of them I was not and I just acted like I was. My senior year which is still going on. But this year has been extremely tough. One of my hardest so far. This year has been full of ups and downs. From the summer before senior year to my senior year a lot happened. My so called church friends totally turned. I honestly do not think that they have ever thought that they did anything wrong. They are just so judgmental. When you are going through what I went through your not going to want o be judged more or judged at all. No body wants to be judged. I didn’t just cut, I also burned my self. I would use my lighter too make objects out then I would press it with my fingers… Yes that hurt al lot but I just couldn’t handle this crap anymore. With in this time I thought about committing suicide. I did also during my junior year as well. I never took the steps to doing it though. I always got to scared that if I did it wouldn’t work.

With in my senior year my mom found everything I have ever done out. She sent me to counseling where then we could fix out relationship and also fix things for me… she sent me to a Christian councilor. That didn’t help me one bit. Talking to a Christian councilor totally contradicted everything for me. I felt like i was talking to my mom. That was not something I wanted to do. With in going to counseling I kept cutting and doing this because it made me so much more frustrated and hurt because it’s not like they get it. Of course they are going to think everything is horrible and that you should have never done any of it. My mom, the councilor and non of my friends or anyone will ever understand why I did these things in the first place unless they have ever been in my shoes and have felt how I have felt and all the hurt and pain I have dealt with. Needless to say my mom and I still argue all the time and I always think about cutting and burning again but I haven’t! There is always hope in the future. You can always count on the people that know what you are going through. Literally know and understand. They will never judge you for who you are or what you have done.

Yes my life is still hard and I don’t want to be on this stupid plant but I am here to stay. Its nice to surround with people that care. My friend Ryan once told me “Those who don’t care don’t matter, but those who do care do matter.” What he meant by that is that the people that care will never judge you and will always be there for you through the thick and thin. I hope this story helped someone. I know its long haha. I am so sorry for the length. I would love to help another person out because I know exactly what you are going through.

Stay strong friends! Love you guys!

*Annie describes her friend *Sharon as “probably the nicest, sweetest girl you could have ever met”. Annie and Sharon had known each other for years , and although Sharon moved a couple of towns over, they kept in touch  and stayed close friends. Sharon hated where she moved to, had some problems, but she seemed to be have any emotional issues under control with medication. She never seemed sad, and everything thing seemed fine. This is why Annie was stunned to hear that Sharon had jumped in front of a train after a fight with her girlfriend. Apparently, Sharon was so upset after the fight that she called  3 different people and said “I’m going to do it, I’m going to kill myself.” One of them called Sharon’s brother, and he ran down to the train station to try and stop her, but it was too late. By that time she had already made a choice in one devastating moment that could never be taken back. And in that one moment, many lives have been changed forever. Of course her family, they will never fully recover from that loss, and her brother left to always wonder if he could have only gotten there a little sooner. Her best friend, who was on the phone with her at the time, and has the rest of her life to remember the sound of the train horn suddenly cut to silence. Suicide affects families, circles of friends, entire schools and communities. It affected Annie deeply. After hearing the news at drama rehearsal, she was in shock until she went home to her room, listed to some music and let the awful truth sink in.  “I  fell into a depression. my grades went down the drain, just everything stopped for me. I felt horrible, I looked horrible, I was just a big mess.” Four months after Sharon’s death, Annie heard about the organization, To Write Love On Her Arms. She finally got a sense that there is some hope , that suicide can be prevented. Annie had this to say about healing from the pain of Sharon’s suicide:  ” I started to get involved with TWLOHA, and I love them with everything I have. I also started to make sure I helped people. I refuse to lose another friend to something that can be prevented. I had a big reality check then, you never know when something is going to happen.. You never know if someone you love may be gone the next day,  So I try to make the best of everything, and help everyone I can. I want to spend the rest of my life helping people. I still don’t know how, but I know I want to.

“I came to the conclusion that suicide is probably the most selfish thing you can ever do, all the family and friends you leave behind, how they have to pay for your mistake, your actions can’t be taken back.” 

I was nine weeks old when my adoptive parents took me into their home.  They were both in their mid forties.  I had a big sister who was eleven years older than me.  We grew up together.  She was amazing.  She taught me so many things.  I also had other brothers and sisters who were much older than me that lived elsewhere.  My birth mother had a son who is one year older than I.  We have different fathers… of course.

Though I was adopted, I still got to see my birth mother.  I constantly seen drug deals, her sleeping with different men, shooting up, taking hits, partying, and tons of abuse.  It was often that I seen my mom being beaten by different men.  There were always police officers at her house.  I remember one particular time when she threw my brother down the stairs.  I still remember the sound his body made as it THUMP THUMP THUMPED down each stair.  I was crying so hard I could hardly breathe.  I was scared to death that my mom would do that to me.  Now don’t get me wrong, my birth mother has a good heart, but drugs take over a person’s heart, mind, body and soul.  It took me a lot of growing up to do to realize that drugs change a person for the worse.  I’m sure she meant well.

At nine years old my big sister died in a car accident.  My sister was my best friend.  She took me to ballet practice and taught me how to blow bubbles with chewing gum.  She was the best sister a little girl could ever have.  I remember seeing the truck that she died it… it was about the size of a Geo Metro after it was all smooshed up.  My sister died on impact.  They had to remove the steering wheel that was encased in her chest.

My mom and dad changed.  They argued a lot.  Momma always called me by my sister’s name.  I felt like she wanted it to be me that died.  One day Momma was standing in the middle of the road and she fell to her knees and started weeping.  The ambulance came and took her away.  She had a nervous breakdown.  It was after that that her split personalities began coming out.  There was a really mean one that would dig her nails into the skin on my arm.  That one was always angry- it really scared me.  The other one was just like me.  She spoke really soft, her name was Angel.  She played dolls with me sometimes.

At ten years old my brother Christopher died in a motorcycle accident.  He was struck by a drunk driver in a big truck.  I don’t remember that as much as when my sister died.  I remember seeing him in the casket, it was really scary.

When Chris died we moved to Oregon.  My mom and dad couldn’t afford my school bills.  I attended Catholic school.  It was like being in a different world at public school.  I noticed that boys and girls could play together!  I wasn’t interested in the boys though… I really liked girls.  My best friend and I played house a lot.  It wasn’t like normal though- we were both the mommies.  We always kissed each other.  I had never seen girls kiss before.  I knew we weren’t supposed to, but I really liked it.

Death has been a curse that won’t seem to leave me alone.  By the age of 12 two siblings, three uncles, and two of my grandmothers passed away.  In junior high I met a guy who I really liked.  Quickly, I fell head over hills in love.  My grades also fell!  One time I got grounded because my grades were so bad.  That night was the first time I experimented with cutting.  It felt so good.  I was hypnotized by the blood trickling down.  It was like a beautiful morbid dance.  I gradually became obsessed with cutting.  I loved the immediate release of pain, hurt, and anger as soon as the razor blade tore through my milky skin.  As the blood would drip out it got easier and easier to breathe.  At twelve I also started being promiscuous.  It wasn’t with boys, with my best girl friends.  I was infatuated with lust.  At thirteen I gave my innocence to my boyfriend, my “one true love”.

At fourteen my boyfriend broke up with me for another girl.  I had given this guy everything, even my virginity.  I risked everything so that he would love me.  I just wanted to be loved by him.  Every night before bed I would pray that God wouldn’t let me wake up again.  One night I thought about slitting my wrists and lying in his driveway to bleed out.  After being so torn up about everything else and being caught up in the harsh world of self mutilation I attempted suicide.  At fourteen years old I decided to call it quits.  I took an entire bottle of 800 mg of pain killers and instead of water I gulped them down with gin.

I started going to church after my suicide attempt.  I had to.  I really didn’t want to.  It was some sort of tortuous punishment that my psychologist made me do that I soon became in love with.  The people were so nice and they accepted me the way I looked.  It was amazing to know that such happiness could be found in Christ.  Though I found Christ I couldn’t stop cutting.  Cutting is the only habit that I haven’t fully been able to break.

The summer of my sophomore year my grandfather died from his long and rugged struggle with Alzheimer’s disease.  He was an incredible man.

Junior year I abandoned Christ and started dating my ex once again.  Yep, the one that cheated on me and treated me like crap, also the one I attempted suicide over.  I was SO in love, excuse me while I vomit, I was SO naïve.  I gave up my faith, my light for a boy.  Soon, I would come to find out that I was just as stupid as when I was thirteen.  I found out by a good friend (that would soon become my main squeeze) that “the love of my life” was cheating on me AGAIN.  I was done this time.

The summer after my junior year my brother Terry died in surgery.  After my sissy died he and I became super close.  He was my favorite.  We were nearly inseparable.  It was really hard for him to miss my high school graduation.  It will be even harder when he misses my wedding this spring.  I was infuriated with God.  How could he take my big brother?  How could this happen again?  I’m just thankful that he wasn’t suffering anymore.

During my senior year my friend Tyler committed suicide.  I realized then that suicide is the single most selfish thing that a person could do.  It’s also the most cowardly way out.  I am so thankful to have a second chance at life.  After seeing so much death it’s apparent that life is so fragile and that we need to embrace it.  Life is a gift!

During senior year I fell in love with my best friend.  We played as children, grew up together, went through ups and downs, relationships and finally realized that we were the only one there for one another through it all!  We have been together for three years now.  Next May we will officially become husband and wife.  I have never been so in love.  It’s different.  My eyes are open and I’ve learned so much.  I know that this is forever.  It’s that kind of love.  I am incredibly blessed that God has given me Nick.

After I graduated high school I started attending college, wow.  I never imagined that I would have made it!  I had been getting tons of medical tests done for the past few years.  Finally, a specialist knew what was wrong with me!  I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS).  Long story short is that my hormones are all messed up.  There are tons of other medical issues associated with PCOS such a diabetes, heart disease, and infertility.  I also have a tumor on my right ovary.  I may not be able to enjoy the gift of being a mother.  I’ve always wanted a little baby to call my own.  If it’s in God’s plan it will happen.

The summer before my sophomore year in college my grandmother passed away.  It’s sad to say but I’ve quickly grown accustomed to funerals and death.  If there’s anyone out there reading my story that has gone through some of the struggles that I have- please know that tomorrow is a whole new day.  A new chance.  My advice to you is to stay strong and know that you are amazing.  With God’s love you can endure anything.  If he’s on your side you can climb mountains, swim oceans, and touch the sky.  You can do anything you set your heart to.  Follow your dreams and never let people cut you down.  YOU are worth it.  YOU are wonderful.  I just hope that my story helps someone else.

So here I am in my second year of college, I have a good family, and hopefully soon I will be making my own little family, wink wink.  I’m just twenty years old but have endured more than I could wish on my worst enemy.  I’ve been through loads of trials and have made too many mistakes to even count.  BUT- You know what?!  I wouldn’t change one thing that I’ve experienced or one mistake that I’ve ever made.  Life is about learning.  Take chances.  Love with all of your heart.  Laugh until you cry!  Cry until you laugh.  Never give up.  I truly have no regrets.  I have learned so much from just living life.  I have become a more knowledgeable, mature, and humble person than I ever would have if my life was peachy keen.  Dream as if you’re going to live forever- live as if you’ll die today.  Remember to be true to yourself and have a forgiving heart.  When the world knocks you on your knees remember that that’s the perfect chance to pray.  Some say that I have a good attitude and that I’m brave.  Of course that’s true because I do not give up.  I can and will not.  I’ve had to make myself strong.  There is no use dwelling on the past because there’s no going back- so live on!  The rest of your life is unwritten!  Cherish those who mean the most to you.  Tomorrow is never promised.

Basically i have a phobia, that almost ruined my life.. I wanted to end everything, but i knew i couldnt, i knew i had to be strong for my family so i kept with it.  I made sure i told people how i felt so that they would know if things were starting to get bad again.

It started to get to a stage where i could never leave the house.  Id have panic attacks over everything.  I couldn’t eat because i was scared.  I lost my 3 best friends over the silliest argument.  And this was when i needed them the most.  So things got worse and i went to the doctors to get help.  5 months on i felt so much better, Felt like i was improving.

And with the help of my mum and friends i got through it and now that i have my confidence back i know i can do anything if i put my mind to it.

Now although ive never actually cut myself, the thought was always there.. and i was the only person that could stop my self from doing it. I realised i had the power to do what i wanted.. And over come anything.

Now i’m happier than ever.  Although i never spoke to my “best friends” again, I realized that they were never the kind of people i needed in my life.  And the friends that stuck by me helped and they are the ones that matter.

I guess what im trying to say is.. If i can over come this.. Then so can you =] xx

I’m not exactly sure what happened.  Because this is the point where my memory gets foggy.  But the first thing I remember thinking was that everyone was right.  You do see a bright light when you die.. A very annoying, almost sterile while flourescent.  Sort of like the ones …..at the hospital.  I had woken up in a hospital bed.  The doctors told me that they had to pump my stomache.. They also informed me, that I would no longer be a mommy.  I had not only managed to earn myself a hospital bill from hell, but had also killed the little helpless life inside of me.  The score was settled.  Stomache pump, one.  Me, Negative two. After finding me passed out, nearly dead in his bathroom, my brother decided it was no longer wise for me to live with him.  So I moved on home to my mother.  I had completely given up on school at this point and had not even bothered to show up for at least a month.  When my mom decided one day she had had enough of her fifteen year old being a party animal.  And tried to crack down on me.  Instead of realizing that all she was doing was trying to help I became hurt.  I thought that my life was being taken from me, and faught back.  I over reacted and pushed her, and she proceeded to beating me down until I looked like a walking bruise.  So I moved out.  Decided to move in with a friend.  Who inspired me to quit everything.  Cold turkey.  No ciggarettes, no drinking, no drugs, and abstaining from the dirty deed.  All was well for the first month and half.  Until I met this one guy.  We started dating.  A week went by, and he invited me over to in teenage terms “watch a movie.”  I had fully intended on watching the movie though, considering i was taking a stab at this whole new life.  But He just wasn’t hearing it.  So he continually tried to get me in the sack until I got frustrated and hit him.  Without thinking.. He got up, left the room.  I guess to go calm down, and that’s when I started freaking out. I started texing away.  Trying to find someway out of his house and back to mine, where I felt safe.  He walked in, saw me texting and I guess he was pretty quick because he managed to get my phone away from me and punch me once square in the head hard enough to nearly knock me out.  Laying on his bed, cradling my head in tears, I had no clue what was about to happen.  All I knew is that there was no way out.  No way to run or scream.  No one in the house but me and him, and he had taken my phone.  So there was no way of contacting anyone in the event of an emergency.  Before I knew what was happening this guy had me started duct taping my hands together, and my feet.  But he didn’t do anything to my mouth. He started whispering in my ear exactly what he was going to do to me, and telling me that he didn’t tape my mouth because he didn’t want to muffle the screams.  He wanted to hear them.  He said that the more girls faught, it turned him on.  I was completely speechless.  I knew what was about to happen to me, but not only could I not see straight enough to try and move, but he had already gotten me to where even if I wanted to move I couldn’t.  So I just closed my eyes.  And tried to stop the tears.  While he violently took my dignity away from me.  When he was done.  Before he would let me go, he made me swear not to tell.  That if I did, he would burn down my entire apartment complex.  Or he would break into my room late at night, and when I was least expecting it, do worse to me than he already had.  And slit my throat.  So I promised I wouldn’t tell.  I just begged and pleaded for him to let me go home.  Finally, he gave me my phone back reluctantly and I ran for it.  I called my friends mom to come and get me.  She didn’t ask a single question when I got in the car.  She was frustrated that she had to drive halfway across town to get me.  But I didn’t care.  I was still alive.  That’s all that matters.  I didn’t cry, I didn’t tell her a thing.  I didn’t even hardly look at anyone.  We got home, I went to my room, locked the door and had a long over due visit with my razorblade.

Since that day, I haven’t been able to share my story with anyone.  I have nightmares all the time.  And I hardly sleep.  Since then I don’t like people to touch me.  I’m doing better with the cutting now.  It’s been about three or four weeks since I’ve even had the urge to cut.. But sometimes I still feel like it’s all I can do to stop the pain.  But I’ve realized that the pain is inevitable; suffering is optional.  If you choose to live in the past, then you will suffer and it’s no one else’s fault but your own.

My mom decided to divorce my dad when I was 3. My mom picked me up to leave; everything was already in the van. Momma was putting me in my car seat, she shut the van door, I looked out the window at my dad standing in the door way. I really didn’t know what was going on at that moment. I was around 4 to 6 years old when my mom tried to start dating again, but my dad would threaten who ever my mom was dating and scare them off. My mom just gave up. So my mom raised me on her own. I was always the wild child and as I got older I got into more trouble. My mom couldn’t always watch me and know where I was at all times. So when I hit 14 years old I started doing things I never done before, things I never thought I would do. It started to get bad. I started one thing then I would go to another. My mom started asking questions and I started lying to her about every thing I lied to everyone saving my own butt so I wouldn’t get in trouble. Started skipping out on my friends, lying to my friends, lying to my family, staying mad , and getting all defensive when some one would ask me a question.

Then 2 months before I turned 15 I got questioned by a cop about my dad when my mom was gone. He was asking me have you heard from your dad. Has he tried to contact you and a whole bunch of other things? And when he got done asking me questions I asked him what this was all about and he was like your dad has been asking child support agents a bunch about you and asking if there is a way he can get you all the time. I told my mom that she broke down in tears, all she said was, “NO!!!!!! He can’t get you. He can’t, he can’t. The only reason he wants to get you is for his own personal gain. He is only going to use you.”

My mom went in to a mental melt down. She stayed scared all the time that my dad was going to show up and take me. This lasted about 5 months and finally my mom clammed down a little but she was still worried. I prayed to God that he would help me and my family get through everything that gets in our way. Things started getting better then my 16th birthday came and he called telling me he loved me and he was sorry singing happy birthday and all. It’s been almost 4 months and hasn’t heard from him but I know in my heart he will call or show up just to make everything worse again. I stay scared all the time but I never let any one know it. So please pray for me and that everything will be okay.

I hate staying scared.

Then I couldn’t take life anymore, so that is when I decided to kill myself.  I sat down at the end of my bed knife in hand ready to slit my wrists.  I started to cut straight across my wrist but right before I came to the main vain in my wrist I couldn’t move the knife anymore.

Looking back I realized that was the first time I experienced God in my life.  God was right there holding that knife so I could not move it anymore.  Because of the mercy of God I am still here today and now I give everything I have to Him.